Thursday, September 14, 2017

The Nights Are The Hardest



Its been three weeks since I've last blogged. Its been three weeks since I've been trying to say this out loud. I had this plan, pre-deployment, to keep this journal on my blog about all of my deployment thoughts. I had every intention of writing everything out, the good and the bad. But its been 2 months since he left (WOOO TWO MONTHS DOWN!) and yet I haven't said a word on here about it. This isn't our first deployment. In fact we've done a handful of 6+ month stretches apart thanks to the military. But wow did I underestimate how hard it would be to type my thoughts out on it.

The first time we went through a deployment I remember crying so hard when he left that I was convinced I would never stop crying. I was really young, I had a 1 and 3 year old. Even though I had moved back into my parents house for the extra help, I couldn't get over the heartbreak of being apart from him for such a long time. This time around there were tears. There was heartbreak. But I felt like I had to be strong in front of my kids because I knew they were looking to me in their own times of heartbreak. Livi wailed in the airport when we dropped him off. She didn't want to let go. It took everything in me to not just break down with her. I remember holding her and saying, "I know. I know love." over and over again, silent tears running down my face. I held her till she didn't need me to anymore. I had to be her strength. But really I was feeling weak. Really I was feeling like I needed someone to hold me until I didn't need it anymore.

The first two months have gone by surprisingly fast. I always knew that the second half of the year would be better for a deployment because this half of the year flies by. We finished out summer, started back at school, and soon enough the holidays will hit us with a whirlwind of fun things to keep us distracted. Now that the kids are back in school our daily routines are pretty set and they keep us chugging along. While they spend their days in school, I spend mine alone. But I have plenty to keep me busy. I take home volunteer work for the schools. I try and do what I can in school. And of course I still have to pick up after two tiny humans. Lets be honest, that's always been a job thats kept me busy 24/7. Point is, I have plenty of things to do that keep me busy through the day. I am easily able to keep myself distracted during regular functioning hours.

Its the nights that are the hardest.

When I climb into bed and turn out the light. Thats when I am truly alone. When the kids have been fast asleep for hours. When the entire house is dead silent and I've checked that the doors are locked 5 times. When I'm done reading and I know its now or never if I want to get the recommended 8 hours of sleep. Thats when I feel the most vulnerable. My husband is my best friend. He has been since essentially as long as I've known him. We have so many things in common. Which is kind of a weird thing if you really think about it. Because most couples have their own little things, separate from their significant others. But not us. We like all of the same things. Which means we spend all of our free time together. LIKE ALL OF IT. Anything I do in life, I only want to do with him. And right now, I can't.

Now before you roll your eyes and puke...lets get back to the whole laying in bed being pathetic thing. I do feel lucky. We live in an age where technology allows me to stay in almost constant contact with him. He has wifi. And to top it off, he works a schedule that coincides with ours. So yea, we are extremely lucky. And I am so grateful for that. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with the fact that he's just not here. He's not here to hug me when I'm crying about feeling indecisive about growing our family. He's not here to drop the kids off to school and watch them grow a little each and every day. He's not here to tell me inappropriate jokes that I scold him for afterward. He's not here to hog the xbox remote, spending hours trying to beat a boss level on Kieran's PvZ game. He's not here to carry Liv around like a little princess even though I tell them both that she's too old for it. He's missed his own birthday. Kieran's 10th birthday. He'll miss mine. All of our favorite holidays. You take for granted decorating for halloween with your husband, thats for sure. He'll miss time we can't get back. And he knows how much the concept of time gives me anxiety. He knows that it keeps me up at night. I know that it keeps him up at night to think of all of the time he's losing with our kids. I honestly struggle with the idea of wanting time to speed up so we can have him back here with us and wanting time to slow down because I can't mentally handle watching my children grow up so quickly. Every single night before I fall asleep, this is all I can think about. Its debilitating.

In the end, I know this is just temporary. And sooner than later the new year will roll around. It always does. And he'll be on his way home to us. And we'll pick up where we left off. I just hope that when that time comes I won't still be up at night overthinking everything. That I've taken in all of the moments with my littles and savored them. I hope that when he comes home I haven't squandered this time because I was too busy simultaneously wishing time away and mourning its loss.


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2 comments

  1. You're so strong Kaye and Im sure you hear this all the time but I don't know how you do it. I can totally relate with you two in the sense that Rudy is my best friend and we also do absolutely everything together! It feels weird going grocery shopping or even buying a top without having him around to ask what his thoughts are.

    I'm always here for you if you need to vent to anyone.

    xo
    www.ohhjuliana.com

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    1. Thanks Juliana. You are such an amazing friend to be so supportive. I tell my husband all of the time that I would rather be best friends and have a really hard time going through this than to not and have it easy. Because thats when you are reminded of how good life really is. It definitely puts everything in perspective <3

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